Return of the Uchiha
by Sasuke's darkside
Summary: Post time skip, what's the secret and curse of the Uchiha, find out and how it's affected Sasuke and Itachi.
1. Madara Uchiha  Sasuke and Akatsuki

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto

Chapter 1 ; Madara Uchiha / Sasuke and Akatsuki

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The wind howls while thunder roar's in the distance , rain pour's down on a large gathering of people. Everyone of them armed with old broken weapon's. A man paced before the crowd. He turned and gazed at them with piercing black eyes.

"My friend's born Hyuga but cast into slavery for lack of the bloodline limit. Today that end's , no long shall we be the dog's of the Hyuga clan , but the proud founder's of the Uchiha clan" shouted the newly born Madara Uchiha

"Once we break through this Hyuga outpost and travel to Konoha we will be free , to Konoha."

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The smell of blood was in the air. Half of the Uchiha attack force was dead. Untrained against Hyuga warrior's it was bound to happen.

The Hyuga guard's regrouped infront of the gate to freedom. Blinded by rage Madrara Uchiha raced forward in attack. Kunai were thrown and second's before impact Madara Uchiha's vision faded to black.

His vision was reborn to flame's and a dark figure.

"Madara Uchiha we met at last" said the figure in a haunting voice

"Who are you and where the fuck am I ?" shouted the Uchiha in a angered voice trying to hide his fear

"None of that matter's here to make you a deal , I'll give you power. The power to destroy you enemies , I'll give it to you whole clan"

"At what price ?"

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Second's before the kunai hit Madara Uchiha let out a shout of "Sharingan" avoided the kunai , flashed through some hand seal's before shouting "Fire style ; Great Fireball Jutsu" killing all of the guard's at once.

"To Konoha , Uchiha's the proud carriers of Sharingan ?"

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200 years later

The sun beam's down on a forest hundreds of mile's from Konoha. There's a group of 4 wearing large cloaks with red cloud's on them. A few meter's away stand's alone figure whom look a great deal similar to one of the cloaked men.

"I've filled the requirement to join Akatsuki , I've killed a former member" at this he lifted his left hand which had the void ring on his baby finger

"Very well Sasuke Uchiha you shall be partnered with Deidara and" the leader was cut off by "Yeaa I get a cute new partner" this was followed by Deidara glomping then dragging a confused Sasuke over to a annoyed leader and a shark-man laughing his ass off.

"First we'll go cloak shopping then we'll paint your nail's and then we'll go to an art show and blow it up" babbled Deidara

"Were leaving Zetsu" stated the leader , walking off followed by Zetsu

Moment's later Sasuke was led away by a smirking Itachi "Little brother there is one last thing to be done before you become a full Akatsuki member , you must grope Deidara , It's a initiation ritual"

"You want me to grope her ?" asked a worried Sasuke

"Of course if your to scared ?" replied the older Uchiha

"I'm not scared" seethed a angry Uchiha

"Good little brother , goodbye and live hatefully" said Itachi walking off with Kisame

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A scream rang through the forest where two men in Akatsuki cloak's were walking

"I guess Sasuke discovered that Deidara's a guy" stated Itachi grinning

"I wonder which one screamed" pondered Kisame

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Auther's note's

Answer's on Sasuke will be up in later chapter's and I havn't picked any pairings yet so tell me what you think

Read & Review


	2. Naruto joins Anbu  Itachi's sleepover

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 2; Naruto become's an Anbu / Itachi's sleepover.

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On a bridge in Konoha the chirping bird's were interrupted by shout's of "Your late" from two third's of team Kakashi "You see I was asked to kill some horse's by the Hokage and" came the amused reply of one Kakashi Hatake "Save it" followed shortly after.

"Anyhow, the Hokage want to see you Naruto" stated the jounin while reading his infamous orange book.

At this Naruto left grumbling about late perverted ninja.

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Naruto arrived at the Hokage office. Tsunade was sitting in her seat with two Anbu standing near her.

"Naruto I sent for you three fucking hour's ago" roared Tsunade.

"Kakashi was late, am I going on a mission ?" asked Naruto.

"Naruto how would you like to become an Anbu" stated the Hokage.

She was soon glomped by Naruto whom was muttering thank you's and about shitty genin pay.

"Alright, now all ya have to do is convince those two your Anbu material" replied Tsunade annoyed at where Naruto head was pressing.

"Come Naruto your about to face trial's far greater then you have ever faced before" announced one of the Anbu.

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( Akatsuki base. )

Sasuke was sitting on his bed in Akatsuki sharpening his sword. Akatsuki was weird in his opinion , what with Kisame trying to get him to join an Akatsuki swordsmen club, well if you could call it that, basically Kisame sat in the corner talking to his sword.

Itachi doesn't talk to his weapon's, no that would be far to sane for Itachi….

( flashback. )

Sasuke stood in the kitchen doorway watching Itachi make his dinner.

"You are weak foolish chicken" Itachi paused if for dramatic effect or a response Sasuke didn't know.

"Do you know why you are weak foolish chicken ?" another pause from Itachi.

"Do you know why you can't stop me from eating you foolish chicken" pause.

"It is because you lack HATRED foolish chicken" at this Itachi put the chicken in the oven while laughing evilly.

( end flashback. )

Itachi has a similar conversation whenever he change's the T.V. channel or kill's a bug with Mangekyo Sharingan.

Deidara was the last of his new insane friend's and his roommate. Deidara with his nightly visit's. Deidara with his showerly visit's. Deidara with his friendly gropes and walk's around their room nude.

Speaking of Deidara, he had just blown the door up and looked awful giddy.

"Guess what Sasuke ?" asked Deidara bouncing around.

"What ?" replied Sasuke.

"We're having a sleep-over at Kisame and Itachi's room" squealed Deidara.

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( In a seedy bar in Konoha. )

"Okay Naruto if you can drink these 20 whiskey shot's without throwing up your in Anbu" stated the Anbu member.

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( outside Itachi's room. )

Sasuke stood outside Itachi's door wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt next to Deidara whom took the less is more approach wearing only a thong. Deidara knocked on the door while grinning.

Itachi opened the door, Itachi's expression quickly changed from boredom to shock-horror, he quickly dashed into his room to hid under his cover's. Before Sasuke could run Deidara dragged him into the room.

Kisame was already weeping while hugging his sword, Itachi shaking violently, Sasuke trying to gnaw off his Deidara captured arm and Deidara suggesting some strip-poker.

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( A rundown looking tattoo parlour. )

"Okay Naruto we need to get you a symbol on your left arm, a "Anbu's Bitch" on your ass, and what do you want on your chest ?".

"Garaa has the nicest ass" replied a very drunk Naruto.

"Perfect" say's the Anbu.

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Naruto awoke to a bed full of several different woman, a huge head ache, a "Garaa has the nicest ass" tattoo and a clapping Kakashi.

Sasuke awoke with braided hair, painted nails and coddling with Deidara.

Garaa awoke that morning to an urgent message from Naruto saying "I want to fuck ya".

All three screamed at the top of there voice's.

Sasuke again moment's latter, because Deidara woke from his first scream and glomped him.

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Thank you any one who bother's to review. Hope ya like

R&R


	3. The search for the seventails begins

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 3; The search for the seven tail's begins

( outside Akatsuki HQ )

Sasuke stood as the first ray's of light raising on the horizon. The light glinted off his blade as he began a dangerous dance, slashing target's only he could see. After one final impressive swing he lowered the blade to his side, pulling a "holier than thee" pose.

The image was destroyed two second's later by Deidara glomping him, Kisame shouting about the greatness of Akatsuki swordsmen and Itachi giving the "you lack hatred" speech to a spider.

"Ohh your so cool, Sasuke." Sasuke briefly wondered how one fan-boy could be more annoying than all his old fan-girls.

"What do you want, and if you say my ass again I swear I'll…." Sasuke left the threat open.

"No, we have a mission."

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( Konoha )

Naruto was having a bad day to say the least. Firstly Kakashi kept giving him advice on how to get into Garaa's pants. The advice included "Set his pants on fire" or "take him swimming and jump him". Needless to say Kakashi was viciously attacked.

Now he was in Tsunade's office being told he was to go on a mission to guard the seven-tails, sometime's Naruto wondered if she was on Akatsuki's side, with Kakashi and the two Anbu member's a.k.a. his drinking buddies.

While watching Naruto curse under his breath, Tsunade had a sadistic smirk on her face when she announced that "Garaa of the sand say's he not interested and is filing a restraining order on you".

Before Naruto could attack the Hokage, Kakashi had dragged him off to teach him how to bypass those "small" details.

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( a forest )

"So where going to capture the seven-tail's but why's Itachi and Kisame with us" asked Sasuke to Deidara who was attached to his arm.

"Well we figured the nine-tail's who probably try a rescue mission, plus Itachi said something about "no brother of mine is getting raped by that insane blonde devil" " answered Kisame

"Oh well, there's always next time" said a slightly disappointed Deidara.

This caused the Uchiha brother's to shudder violently and Kisame to laugh loudly. Itachi suddenly pulled Sasuke away from Deidara and led him a few feet away.

"Do you see that Sasuke ?" asked Itachi pointing to where Deidara was arranging flower's in the coverings of Kisame's sword.

"Not even hatred will save you from the blonde devil, Sasuke be weary" stated Itachi in a mysterious chilling voice.

The affect was ruined by Deidara glomping Itachi.

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( A different forest )

"So what's your tattoo Kakashi-sensei ?" came the innocent question from Naruto.

Kakashi tripped on an invisible object suddenly, and thanked the god's his mask covered his blush.

"Sorry Naruto that information goes to my grave" replied Kakashi in his tone saved for life and death fight's.

"Really" and with that started a day of Naruto attempting to strip Kakashi.

"Come on, you expect to get into Garaa's pant's like that" came after another failed attempt.

Naruto eventually got Kakashi topless with the help of the two Anbu and the nine-tails. He would never forget what he saw.

"Uchiha's are so sexy"

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( hotel )

"Everyone I got great news" came the shout of Deidara, whom had been checking them in.

"The leader's decided to change my partner ?" asked Sasuke hopefully.

"No, they only have one room" responded Deidara happily.

"How that good news ?" asked Itachi with a feeling of impending doom.

"There's only one bed and this is the only hotel for miles" said a cheerful Deidara.

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Hope that isn't too bad. Any and all review's are greatly appreciated

R&R


	4. Deidara's catfight

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 4;Deidara's catfight

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A gentle breeze blow through the forest, blowing the hair out of a lost in thought Uchiha's face. The Uchiha's thoughts ranged for a new killer technique to his alarming lack of hair care product's, since he hadn't been able to stock up.

"So how did you kill Orochimaru, Sasuke" asked Deidara clinging to Sasuke's arm.

Sasuke stopped trying to gnaw off his arm to flashback

( flashback )

Orochimaru and Kabuto had just finished watching a horror movie when they heard a noise. Acting like terrified schoolgirls Orochimaru and Kabuto where holding each other tight when they went to investigate.

They came upon the door where the noise was coming from and listened carefully.

"I'll gouge your precious eye's out. Rip you limp from limp and tear your heart out I'll….." Orochimaru was having a panic attack while Kabuto was sobbing and begging for mercy.

That's when the door swung creepily open and a malicious voice demanded "Who's there". This was the same time Orochimaru and Kabuto died of heart failure.

"Hn, and I seeked out training from you"

( end flashback )

"So you had a midnight sword fight against him and all of Oto freeing the slaves, Ohh Sasuke your my hero" Sasuke only realised his mistake in choice of stories after Deidara glomped him.

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( Village )

"So Kakashi-sensei who's the sexist Uchiha ?"asked a grinning Naruto.

"Ya know when I got this there where still women Uchiha" replied Kakashi

"Ya right" said Naruto,

"Sasuke !" Kakashi watched in satisfaction as Naruto instantly became depressed.

Turning a corner the Konoha ninja saw something that they would never forget.

Kisame was desperately pulling flower's off his sword, Itachi was giving the "you lack hatred" speech to the flower's and Sasuke was there, not attacking Itachi, with Deidara hanging from his arm.

Quickly hiding in a bush the Konoha ninja came up with a plan.

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Sasuke was contemplating killing Deidara when he heard a noise in front of him.

"Hey, can you take me to Konoha handsome ?" asked a naked blonde girl to Sasuke.

The Akatsuki members had an interesting range of reactions. Kisame collapsed with a noise bleed, Itachi gave the "you lack hatred" speech to Kisame, Sasuke, knowing it was Naruto shuddered violently and Deidara proceeded to drag Naruto away shouting "he's mine".

Deidara began slapping and pulling Naruto's hair, while Naruto went for biting and scratching. Itachi had already left with the "injured" Kisame over his shoulder.

Kakashi sat down making himself comfortable to watch the first catfight he'd seen with no women involved, he briefly wondered if both had forgotten they were ninja and could use jutsu.

Sasuke at this point decided to kill Naruto, and if Deidara got in his way accidentally, well he was sure the leader would understand.

Drawing his blade he trust his blade forward only for it to be parried by another's blade.

"Sorry, but I can't let you hurt him. He's a very precious person to me and if you hurt him." Both blade's suddenly had lightning dancing along them. The Anbu removed his mask revealing a pair of blazing red eyes "I'll kill you".

"It's, It's.."

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Sorry for the cliff-hanger, please review. I may stop writing if no one does

R&R


	5. Jiraiya new student……  the BTF and

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 5; Jiraiya's new student…… / the B.T.F. and the S.F.H.B.

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( Hot springs )

"So tell me, why do you seek my training young one ? asked a deep mysterious voice.

"Well Sannin-sensei I saw how you repulse fan-girls so easily and I must learn your secret's." asked a desperate sounding Neji.

"I, what ?" asked an annoyed Jiraiya.

"Your repulsion skill's are legendary among the B.T.F. or Bad-asses Terrified of Fan-girl." said a bowing Neji.

"So you want me to teach you to be repulsive ? hmm, only if you teach me to be bad-ass……"

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( A dark basement )

"We are gathered here today for the monthly general meeting of S.F.H.B. the Society of Fan-girls Hunting Bad-asses."

"The first order of business is the Neji Hyuga case." The large crowd became quiet, Neji happened to be an obsession of many of these girls.

"Has anyone discovered why he's wearing a frog costume yet ?" asked the leader Fan-girl.

"I heard it's for charity." shouted a random Fan-girl.

"I heard he was dared to by Naruto" screamed another

Shout's of "death to Naruto" could be heard even mile's outside of Konoha.

"On a side note the bad-ass holding cell's will be ready at the end of the month, that's when we send out the capture squads, agreed ?" announced the lead Fan-girl.

"Agreed !" came the loud reply from the crowd.

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Neji learned some very valuable lesson's in life in about the space of five seconds, the first was that escaping rabid Fan-girls was difficult to do, genius or no, when wearing a frog suit,

The second piece of information was that frog sage's are lying bastards and the most important piece of was that revenge was oh so sweet.

Jiraiya also learned an important fact, a pissed Neji Hyuga was not only terrifying but also a very fast runner.

After all the revenge and emergency surgery on Jiraiya, Neji was promptly promoted by Tsunade after she saw Jiraiya, the legendary Sannin's, condition.

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"Beat-up all the legendary old perverts you like, put soon you will be mine, all mine, Mwahahahah"

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This chapter is just a plot break. It'll be back at Akatsuki in the next chapter

Hope ya enjoyed it

R&R


	6. The Clash of two Thousand Birds

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 6;The Clash of two Thousand

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"It's, It's Sasuke? What the fuck !" Naruto seemed to speak everyone's mind but the Uchiha's.

"Woohh go , uhh bad Sasuke. Take your shirts off, yeah" Deidara who was now bouncing around in a cheerleader's outfit spoke nobody's but his own mind.

"Your ruining the mood, and where in hell did you get that outfit from !" came the shout from the Akatsuki Sasuke, while gesturing violently towards Deidara with his sword.

"Well I was going to surprise you when we got back to the lair." Was the reply of a blushing Deidara.

"So the evil me is gay huh ?" this was evidently the wrong thing to say as the evil Sasuke's Chidori and Sharingan jumped to life while the evil Sasuke lunged violently at him.

Chidori empowered blade's clashed lighting up the now darkening forest for a second, then darkness returned. Dropping part way to the ground good Sasuke kicked evil Sasuke in the stomach, throwing him back a few feet.

Recovering before he hit the ground evil Sasuke sheathed his sword, flashed some hand seals and called out "Fire style ; Great Fireball Jutsu" sending a large fireball towards his counterpart.

Smirking the good Sasuke sheathed his sword flashed some hand seals and called out "Water style ; Water dragon Jutsu" countering the fireball.

"Hey copying Jutsu's is my thing Sasuke !" came the shout from the infamous copy-ninja Kakashi, who now had his hands on his hip's and was visibly pouting through his mask.

Ignoring him the Sasuke's circled each other flashing the same hand seals. Twin shout's of "Fire Style : Phoenix Flower Jutsu" as well as symmetrical fireball's and Shuriken hit each other causing a cloud of smoke to cover the fighting Uchiha's.

A cry of pain was heard and after the smoke cleared the on looker's could see the Evil Sasuke standing with his fist outstretched, with the good Sasuke ducked under the arm his fist buried in his counterpart's gut.

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( Mc Donald's )

"Itachi ya sure we should have left Sasuke and Deidara to deal with those guys?" asked Kisame who sat next to a bound and gagged jinchuriki.

"I am confident that Sasuke will be able to escape" was Itachi's reply.

"What about Deidara ?" asked Kisame

"Time to give the seven tail's his last meal" Itachi said removing the gag.

"Help! Somebody Help! He-oof" Itachi had re-gagged him.

"Remind me to not give them last meal's anymore"

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This was it, the end, his last breath, his last view before death. But it wasn't his time yet an angel had come to save him in the form of Deidara.

Seeing the Good Sasuke preparing a final attack, Deidara decided it was time to save his precious Sasuke. Like a prince saving his princess from her evil, actually good, alter ego, yeah.

Grabbing Sasuke, the good one, by the shoulders spinning him around to face him. That's when it happened Deidara unleashed the ultimate attack.

Sasuke dropped to the ground with tear's in his eyes after Deidara kicked him in the balls.

"Sorry cutie but no one hurt's my princess, yeah" said Deidara as he picked the bad Sasuke up bridal style and ran off.

"I'm confused Kakashi-sensei !" Stated Naruto still in his girl form.

"Well if you want to be a girl it's alright Naruto, it's your decision" this was Kakashi's response.

"Huh, What ? Ohhh" Naruto changed back to normal "I mean why are there two Sasuke's ?" asked the bewildered and slightly annoyed Naruto.

"Which one of you two want to answer that ?" asked Kakashi.

"The ancient curse of the Uchiha. When you come of age your demonic side get's behind the wheel for a bit, then you get split in two your demonic side and your human side."

"For generation's the Uchiha has been killing the demonic side's as soon as they split, but then a few year's back something went wrong. Itachi was to power-full.

You can take off the mask now."

"Well actually they just forgot to lock my cell and only left a drunken guard, who just happened to be Shisui, really fuckin stupid" came from the unmasked, apparently good, Itachi.

"You, wha, how, huh." Came the intelligent reply from Naruto before fainting.

He would have hit the ground if Sasuke hadn't caught him. Lifting him bridal style with a grunt Sasuke asked "What the hell's has he been eating.". "Ramen"

Was the reply.

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Itachi and Kisame where waiting for Deidara and Sasuke's return when the gigantic bolder was blown away.

Turning to face there would be attacker's they were met by a odd sight.

Deidara stood in a cheerleader uniform holding a unconscious Sasuke bridal style. Sasuke was sub-consciously snuggling into Deidara's chest. Deidara was smiling real big like.

Itachi seeing this started weeping and begging to hatred to save his brother. Kisame took picture's.

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Alright that's another chapter done. Please, please review and tell me any suggestions or ask any question's you may have.

Thx

R&R


	7. Sasuke’s  little  adventure

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Authors notes;

'Naruto' Sasuke thinking.

_Naruto _ Sasuke's conscience responding.

Chapter 7; Sasuke's little adventure

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Sasuke woke up in a dark cell underground

'Where am I' thought Sasuke scanning the darkness for something recognisable.

_You got locked up by some rabid fan-girls._

'Who the hell are you' Sasuke asked the voice in his head.

_You seem surprised, the way your life is your lucky it's only one voice in your head_.

'Whatever' thought Sasuke reaching for his sword, only to find it missing.

"They took all your weapon's Uchiha." Came the voice of one Neji Hyuga who was leaning against the side of said Uchiha's cell. "I broke out but I doubt that you ca-" he was interrupted by a Chidori empowered fist blowing a wall of his cell away.

"Hn that was easy." Said Sasuke with a holier than you expression.

"Fuckin' show-off, Anyway fate has brought us together so let's escape together." Said Neji believing that fate had given him the Uchiha to use as a shield.

Sasuke gave him a weird look and asked "Are you coming onto me ?"

"Fuck you, Uchiha." stated an annoyed Neji Hyuga.

"I'd rather you didn't Hyuga." replied a smirking Sasuke. He'd spent the last 3 year's in the company of no one but his brother and Kakashi, this gave him a voice in his head and the ability to make witty comment's.

The journey through the fan-girl hid-out was difficult at best, it was a place that could make the most hardened ninja ball there eye's out, coincidently Neji did so on several occasion's when he discovered slash fan-fic draft's about himself.

Sasuke took a different route, namely using Chidori on damn near everything he saw in the hid-out while muttering his mantra of "I will destroy the fan-girls."

After skilfully avoiding the horrible trap's of the Fan-girl H.Q our hero's finally found there missing weapons. Neji's eye's where puffy and his face tear-streaked, Sasuke on the other hand was laughing maniacally and had his Chidori blazing awaiting the first fan-girl he saw.

When they reached the table, which had all there weapon's displayed rather nicely, a caged dropped on them. They really should have expected it. As hundred's of fan-girl's surrounded the cage Neji fell to his knee's weeping while Sasuke looked happy to see them. As Chidori raced along his blade and his cursed seal pumped power through his veins one thought raced through his mind. Revenge.

_You should really calm down, you know._

'Say's the voice in my head.'

_Ya well, how do ya think I feel, I'm supposed ta be making you do the crazy shit, not calm you down._

'Your Right.'

To his audience it was very amusing to watch Sasuke make a range of different facial expression's and then finally point at his forehead and shout. "Shut the fuck up."

Calming down from his insane moment Sasuke looked around and noticed the fan-girl's drawing nearer. When they were a mere meter away Sasuke remembered something very important.

( Flashback )

" Sasuke there's something important I need to teach you, It hold's even greater value than the Chidori." Stated Kakashi in mysterious voice.

"What is it sensei" asked an unbelieving Sasuke.

"I like to call it the fan-girl escape Jutsu." Said Kakashi striking a Gai like pose.

"Teach me sensei, teach me, please sensei. You must teach me." Sasuke replied sounding like Lee.

"Well all you have to do is t-" "Kakashi my eternal rival."

( End Flashback )

"Fuckin' Bastard" Sasuke swore as he remembered Gai interrupting his could have been life saving lesson.

As the fan-girls came closer, swallowing Neji up the cry's of "Go out with me" were starting to get to him. He said the first thing that came to his mind.

"I'm in love." Shouted Sasuke

"With who." Came the demanding shout's of the fan-girl's.

Looking around the room Sasuke noticed he knew only one girl whom wasn't here, and saying he loved her was almost as dangerous as the fan-girl's were. But almost was the key word here.

"I'm in love with….with.." the fan-girls were already sharpening there weapon's "with Hinata Hyuga."

"What ?" this didn't come from the Fan-girl's, whom were already clearing out of the hid-out, it came from Neji.

"Hn, well I guess we should go save your cousin now." Said Sasuke offhandedly.

"Ohh, you'd like that wouldn't you." Seethed Neji.

"I guess I should distract them while you rescue Hinata, since I'm faster." Said Sasuke giving a holier than thou smirk.

"What, I'm faster I'll distract them." Replied Neji "Okay." Sasuke quickly agreed. Neji swore violently.

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Five minute's later found Sasuke Uchiha in a street in Konoha, carrying one Hinata Hyuga over his shoulder, running like a bat out of hell.

With the fan-girls closing in the end looked near for Sasuke.

Then suddenly a miracle took place, Neji ran out in front of the Fan-girl mob, naked. Then sped down the street in the opposite direction of Sasuke, while said Uchiha walked at a leisurely pace towards his safe-house.

Neji ran till he couldn't run no more, then his ran some more. Then, getting an ingenious plan, Neji cut down a side street and transformed into Naruto before the Fan-girls could see him.

Grinning broadly at the shout's of "We lost him!" then swearing violently at the shout's of "There's Naruto, Get him!"

Running some more in a Naruto disguise Neji decided he needed help. That's when Neji spotted Garaa. Coincidentally this was when Garaa saw what looked like Naruto running towards him looking desperate.

The colour drained from Garaa's face, his eye's widened to an inhuman size and he began uh sanding everything in sight.

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Sasuke had finally made it to his safe-house A.K.A Naruto's apartment.

Entering with-out knocking Sasuke found Naruto doing something very questionable.

Naruto was doing aerobics in his Sexy Jutsu form.

"What are you doing dobe ?" asked a shocked Sasuke, shifting his pant's to hid something.

"Training, Jiraiya told me to do it everyday, tape it and send it to him so he can inspect my technique." Replied Naruto.

"How would you two like to help me restore my clan ?" asked Sasuke making Naruto fall over and Hinata blush madly.

"Why would I do that bastard ?" asked an angry Naruto.

"Well we'd be a nice loving family." What Sasuke didn't know was those to wanted a loving family more than anything else in the world.

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( Hokage's office )

"Naruto! Why are you in your sexy form" asked a confused Tsunade.

"I can't change back." Screeched Naruto.

After a couple of test's, the arrival of Kakashi and Sakura, and Tsunade getting drunk the fifth announced why Naruto couldn't change back. Everyone listened intently, Naruto and Hinata where covered by a blanket, Sasuke was covered by a pillow, Sakura was confused but pleased with Sasuke's state of undress, and Kakashi wore a sleazy smirk visible through his mask.

"Naruto, I want you to come work at the clinic for the next 9 month's." said a drunken Tsunade. "What why ?" asked Naruto. "Well it seem's that you have revolutionized sex change's and gotten yourself pregnant." Said Tsunade seemingly enjoying herself.

As Naruto started to cry, Sakura moved to kill Naruto and Hinata and Kakashi went to tell Jiraiya some book inspiring information.

Before Sakura could attack the crying Naruto, Sasuke had thrown her out a window and started shouting about nobody touching his Naruto or Hinata.

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Authors notes;

Sorry about not having any Akatsuki in this chapter, anyway the next chapter is going to focus mainly on the good Itachi, so tell me who I should pair him up with. About the whole SasuNaruHina thing, I figured neither Sasuke or Naruto would settle for one partner, considering them both being alone for so long they'd probably have abandonment issue's.


	8. Itachi’s  hobby

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Authors notes;

'Naruto' Itachi thinking.

Chapter 8 ; Itachi's hobby.

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Itachi backed into a corner away from a red faced Temari, whom was swinging her fan violently at him, and a glaring Ino, whom was cracking her knuckle's threateningly at him.

As the end came near Itachi had two simple thoughts.

'At least Neji's more fucked than I am."

And.

"Fuck, angry blonde's turn me on so much."

I bet your asking how Itachi got into this situation. Well it all started last night.

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In a dark seedy bar in Konoha, the Hokage's a drunk what cha expect, sat Itachi Uchiha, drunk off his ass, talking to the bartender about the outrageous price of nail paint, a few feet away Kakashi could be seen, balls drunk, hitting on a cigarette machine.

Gai was there to, standing on a pool table, professing his love for Lee and youth, and generally coming off as a paedophile.

Dragging the cigarette machine with him Kakashi came over and sat beside Itachi, and slurred the word's which would seal the Uchiha's faith "I bet you couldn't be in a threesome by the end of the week." after a pause he added as an after thought "with girls!"

"Well I'm hardly gonna do it with tree's, now am I ?" slurred the glaring drunken Uchiha.

"Well-" Kakashi was interrupted by Gai, whom had turned on the jukebox and, was singing 'Electric six's' 'Gay bar' off-key, while doing air guitar on his beloved pool table.

Kakashi suddenly looked furious and shouted "So you think you can embarrass yourself more then I can my eternal rival, we'll see." Kakashi wasn't thinking straight right now, after sixteen beer's, a lagan of Vodka, a bottle or two of whiskey and an enjoyable fifteen minute's in a bathroom stall with a cigarette machine Kakashi barley remembered to breathe.

So he gave Itachi a lap dance.

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Yawning widely Itachi woke with someone spooning him. From where he was lying Itachi could see many a condom lying around.

Turning to cuddle with whatever babe he'd banged Itachi noticed he was on a pool table, then he noticed something weirder, the chic was taller than him, and she had really defined muscles, and a very flat chest, and grey hair and she was wearing a mask.

After a good hard ten minute's of thinking with his hung-over mind Itachi started screaming, this made Kakashi and the previously un-noticed Gai wake up and start screaming.

The screaming also woke up the previously un-noticed Hokage. Tsunade told them to shut up and went back to spooning the cigarette machine. Later when she sobered up she to screamed. By this time Konoha had many ghost stories to go with the recent screams.

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After Itachi had sobered up he set out to have some fun with his favourite hobby ; Stalking.

The person he was stalking was Temari of the sand, He has been stalking her since the chunin exam's.

After a couple of minute's Itachi had found her eating lunch in a tea house with two other people, one was Shikamaru, oh how Itachi hated Shikamaru, and another blonde girl, oh how Itachi loved blonde's.

So Itachi decided to follow them around till he thought of a plan to get them to sleep with him, excluding Shikamaru.

While he stalked them Itachi had a few interesting thought's like

'O my God, he touched her shoulder, that Bastard, he's blaming a bug, but I know better, he's obviously working in cahoots with that bug ninja he's so friendly with, the perverts I'll skin'em alive.'

After several more lapses of sanity on Itachi's part, he came up with a plan, but he'd need alcohol, lot's and lot's of alcohol.

On his way to the off licence Itachi witnessed an interesting scene between a nude Neji Hyuga, Garaa and an army of fan-girl's. He shuddered violently 'Guess I won't see him at the next Bad-ass meeting.'

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Itachi woke that morning to find him self in bed with two blonde babe's. Then he noticed there were no used condom's.

Itachi swore violently, this was apparently a stupid thing to do as it woke up his bed mates, once their scream's died down there was hell to pay.

Itachi backed into a corner away from a red faced Temari, whom was swinging her fan violently at him, and a glaring Ino, whom was cracking her knuckle's threateningly at him.

As the end came near Itachi had two simple thoughts.

'At least Neji's more fucked than I am."

And.

"Dam, angry blonde's turn me on so much."

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Later on Tsunade brought Sasuke, Itachi and Kakashi to her office.

"I'm drawing up my battle plan for against the Akatsuki and I was curious what female ninja and male ninja" she glared darkly at Sasuke at this "you plan to get pregnant ?"

"Who'd Kakashi get pregnant ? I mean who'd be pathetic enough to sleep with him ?" as Sasuke said this Kakashi was making hand gestures behind Tsunade's back for him to shut up.

"He got me pregnant at the B.A.R incident." Tsunade was giving Sasuke a very dirty look when Itachi asked "Wasn't Gai there too, and me ?"

This started Tsunade on a rant, ranging from how she took a test to discover a father to if all Sharingan holder's where Horny Bastards.

The answer to the last question was yes, a million time's yes.

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Well what cha think, please give me some review's, oh ya next chapter is bad Sasuke and Deidara.

R&R


	9. Itachi  makes  a  man  out  of  Sasuke

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

I would like to thank the following for there reviews, sorry It took me so long to do this;

**Kuyeng13;** Thank you for the review's, I'll try to update often.

**Rikku Madara Uchiha;** Thank you for the review, I'd love ta tell ya but if I did I'd probably ruin the story your, hopefully, enjoying.

**Luna-Lunak; **Thank you for the review's, I'll be explaining what happened between the Itachi's in this chapter, love ya to.

**SnakeTemptress; **Thank you for the review's, nice ta know I can put a smile on your face, I don't think getting tired of review's is possible.

Authors notes;

'Naruto' Sasuke thinking.

This chapter's Sasuke is the Akatsuki version, the one with Deidara problems.

Chapter 9 ; Itachi makes a man out of Sasuke

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Sasuke was having a bad day, no scratch that the worst day of his life, and it was only mid-day yet. It all started when he woke that morning to find Deidara in his bed staring at him. This was normal, but the chain's and bondage gear Deidara must have gotten on there last mission was not.

It wasn't a pretty sight that Itachi had walked in on, Sasuke chained to a bed, his arms blazing with Chidori with Deidara straddling him.

The next problem arose when Sasuke took a morning shower, and was interrupted by Deidara and a camera.

After that a half mad Itachi, not bad for someone completely mad, knocked him out. He awoke on a church alter bound and gagged, from where he lay he could see 'HATRED' had been written everywhere in red 'paint'.

Itachi was also chanting to a 'God of Hatred' to save his 'Foolish Brother' from the 'Blonde Devil'.

After Itachi had completed his 'ceremony' he started his intervention, first stop, a strip club.

"Where are we going now Itachi ?" asked a tied up Sasuke, whom was slung haphazardly over Itachi's shoulder.

"You'll see blonde devil possessed little brother." Said Itachi ignoring the weird look's he was getting, he was used to them.

"Do you even remember my name or anyone's for that matter, when you talk about Naruto you say nine-tails, Deidara is blonde devil, Orochimaru is Snake pervert, Kisame is Fishy-man, the Hokage is the drunken hoar and Gai is eyebrow paedophile" ranted Sasuke.

"I think it was sass… um sasu…. Ah Sasuke, wait Sas-uke, uke they called you that, oh when I see mother and father I'll, wait I already did, never mind then." Said Itachi going to confused to proud of himself to manic and back again within 30 second's.

"I'm not an uke or gay." Said an enraged Sasuke.

"You won't be when I'm through with you." Responded Itachi.

"Rrrrr." It was done reflexively by Sasuke

"We're here, and keep that up, growling is manly." Said a cheery Itachi, he believed his 'ceremony' was working.

"Itachi you realise this is a-" started Sasuke but was cut of by Itachi

"A strip club." Itachi had his hand's on his hips, his chest pumped up and a huge grin on his face as he said this.

"No it's a-" Sasuke was once again cut off.

"Your not getting out of this blonde devil possessed little brother." Bellowed Itachi dragging Sasuke into the club someone in Akatsuki had recommended to him. What he forgot was that it was Deidara who recommended it.

5 minute's later

Out of the now on fire strip club poured many men and male stripers, beside the now literally hot club stood Itachi.

"Why does your strip club burn, it is because you are weak and half-naked," Itachi twitched violently "It is because you are weak, why are you weak, it is because you lack hatred and clothing," Itachi took another violent twitching session. "It is because you lack hatred, so hate me, detest me and put some fucking clothes on!" Itachi yelled between twitches.

Calmly Itachi strode over to Sasuke and calmly, in a voice with almost completely contained murderous rage, said "You are to never mention this, what happens in the now obliterated Gay strip club stay's in the now obliterated Gay strip club, furthermore you will erase everything you seen in there or I'll erase it for you." Mangekyo Sharingan gleamed threateningly.

Sasuke nodded and was then thrown back over Itachi's shoulder.

Timing it correctly Sasuke managed to use an escape Jutsu and Shadow Clone Jutsu to escape Itachi without him noticing anything, which wouldn't have been difficult considering Itachi had been glaring directly in front of himself and simply walking through obstacles, women, children , shop windows, shop walls ect.

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As he entered the Akatsuki safe house Sasuke stretched out his Deidara senses, discovering the that the blonde Explosion\Art fanatic was in the upstairs bathroom Sasuke was incredibly relived, that should give him enough time to get his sword.

As he started his quest to get his sword Sasuke heard something that left little imagination to what Deidara was doing, a few moans and a "Harder Sasuke!".

He felt his blood run cold and his will to live start to slip from his grasp as the noise's got louder, he needed his sword and he needed it now dam it!

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As Itachi walked down the street and into the Gym he ran into 'Fishy-man' who used the gym often, his sword was damn heavy.

"Hey Itachi what are you doing at the Gym with Sasuke, all tied up no less ?" asked an amused Kisame.

"I'm going to make him a man." Responded Itachi while he removed his cloak.

"Um….okay." a pause "Can I help ?"

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This is where we started, It was mid-day and Deidara had finished his shower and was now bothering Sasuke.

"Hey Sasuke, what happened when you split with the other Sasuke."

( Flash back )

As the suns last rays of light died Sasuke trekked through the wood's in search of Orochimaru's lair he suddenly felt his curse seal flare and a searing pain in his left arm.

The last specks of light died on a weird phenomenon where there had previously been one there were now two body's.

As they stared each other down in the now completely darkened forest one of them broke the silence.

"You hurt Naruto." the voice promised one hundred deaths for the crime.

"You never know Chidori through the chest might be pleasant." responded the second.

"Let's find out." With that Chidori burst to life, but before he could move he heard something that made their hearts stop and there blood run cold.

"Sasuke, I've come to bring you back my love." That voice belonged to the one and only Sakura Haruno.

Anger and fatigue instantly forgotten both boy's made desperate dashes away from the voice.

( end flash back )

"So you beat him with one hand behind your back and spared his life because he looked so pathetic ?" asked an astonished Deidara, whom started cling to Sasuke's arm saying "My hero.". 'Stupid, stupid, stupid.' Where Sasuke's thoughts.

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"So Itachi what happened when you split with the other Itachi ?"

( Flash back )

He had murdered most of his clan and he felt pretty good about himself, walking merrily through the wood's and singing a little song about hatred in his head, Itachi felt nothing could go wrong. Something did, Itachi split into two, but that wasn't the problem.

As the Itachi's stared each other down, ready to kill a noise was heard from the bushes to the right, then a "Crap they're not hot chick's they're the guy's we were sent out to find." It was The infamous perverts Jiraiya and Kakashi.

Bad Itachi realised he was out numbered and made a cleaver ninja worthy escape, he pointed behind them and yelled "Is that Tsunade in a bikini ?" then ran like hell.

( end flash back )

"So you beat him with both hands behind your back and spared his life because he looked so pathetic and unmanly ?" Kisame cheered and clapped while Shadow clone Sasuke smiled and nodded, Shadow Clones didn't have many social skills, Sasuke had less.

"Alright !" said Itachi standing up from the weight bench. "We have to go to a beach and pick up chicks and a red light district." Then as an afterthought he added "Straight ones."

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Okay, what do you think, sorry about waiting to thank the reviewers for so long, anyway read and review.

R&R


	10. Itachi  and  Sasuke’s  night  of  manlin

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 10 ; Itachi and Sasuke's night of manliness

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Two figure's sped side by side through the Akatsuki training ground's before coming to a sudden halt each jumping back from the other the first flashed a few hand seals and shouted "Fire Style ; Grand Fire Ball Jutsu !" spitting a giant fireball at his opponent.

His opponent in response drew the Katana at his side cutting the attack in two. Lowering his blade to a thrust position he sped forward, lightening dancing on his blade, shouting " True Raikiri, thrust(1) !" the blade pierced the heart of the first figure only for it to poof into smoke.

"Ahh, shadow clones are fucking useless for sparring, guess I'll randomly attack Itachi. What was it Kisame said he was deadly afraid of ? oh right the Easter bunny. How the hell am I supposed to use that ?"

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Itachi, or Itachi the great lord of manliness and hatred, as he'd started calling himself was currently beating Tobi up for his lunch money, It was both manly and hate inspiring.

"Please stop, Tobi is a good boy." Pleaded Tobi.

"Tobi is a weak boy, why is Tobi a weak boy, it's because." Here Itachi paused. Leaning down Itachi whispered into Tobi's ear "It's because Tobi lacks hatred.

That your lunch money will be use to pay for G.Y.M equipment, pornography and other manly things for Itachi the great lord of manliness and hatre…." Itachi was cut of by someone tapping him on the shoulder.

Itachi made a sharp turn to incinerate whomever dared interrupt his 'work'.

"What do your wan……Ahhhhhh." The girly scream was heard all through-out the Akatsuki base.

"The Easter bunny ! one of the three worst spreaders of love, I thought I got you when I finished off Santa Claus, how did you survive you filthy bunny ?"

( flash back )

Itachi and Kisame where trailing through a blizzard somewhere close to the north pole.

"We're here." Said Itachi in a monotone voice.

"At the skiing resort the nine-tails is at ?" asked a confused Kisame.

"Actually Kisame where here for a far greater cause. To kill Santa Claus, and as a bonus the Easter bunny, whom I've heard is meeting with the tubby bastard tonight." Said Itachi as he tied wire all around the gingerbread village.

"Itachi are you fucking kidding me ?" asked a cold, confused and annoyed Kisame.

"At first I couldn't believe my luck either, that tubby piece of shit are furry fucker in the same place at the same time. Mangekyo style ; Fire Dragon Jutsu.(2)"

The village was burnt to the ground my the Mangekyo Sharingan's black flames.

"Mwahahaha, look at the stupid elf's try to save their precious fat man. Mwahahaha."

"So who's next on your hit list Itachi ?" asked Kisame in a sarcastic voice.

"The Beatles." Stated Itachi, "What !" asked a bewilderd Kisame.

"And then we shall tour the Ninja villages singing the song I wrote, all you need is Hate.(3)" replied Itachi starting into his favourite insane laugh

( end flashback )

"So you've come for me you filthy rabbit, well you won't take my alive, Mangekyo style ; Great Fireball Jutsu !" and so began the fight where Itachi used all his most powerful Jutsu against Sasuke in a rabbit suit until Itachi managed to capture him in Tsukuyomi.

"I'm going to enjoy this rabbit, oh it's you little brother." The bunny costume had burned away and with no rabbits around Itachi had calmed down.

"Your coming for our weekly night of de-gaying tonight." Itachi's voice didn't leave room for argument.

"Right so can you release the Jutsu now ?" asked Sasuke from his position on the cross.

"It last's for 72 hours, no less." Said the bored Itachi who had began conjuring up images of burning and maiming a certain blonde devil.

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Later that night after drinking way to much and watching a horror movie Sasuke, Itachi and Kisame wondered through the street's, destroying anything that looked remotely scary, like their shadows.

Everything had been going well until heroes, no drunken heroes, no drunken villains felt a presence creep up on them, then came the footsteps and then came the feared Akatsuki's racing home.

They returned home after a couple of seconds, and hid under some blankets in Itachi and Kisame's room.

Knock Knock Knock. It was Kisame who summoned up the courage to answer the door. "Oh it's only Deidara." Said a relived Kisame.

"Close the Fucking door !" that was the Uchiha's reaction.

That's when their true followers arrived. Rock Lee and Gai.

"Sasuke-san we come to offer you and your brother a membership to our club." Came Rock Lee's enthusiastic voice.

"What club ?" He knew he'd regret asking this.

"Our club for creepy gay men and creepy gay boys." Said Gai "What ?"

"Kakashi told us about you and you brothers relationship. I think it's youthful." Was Rock Lee's reply.

"Oh and to tell you that the other Itachi has gotten a sand and leaf nin pregnant, and that the other Sasuke has gotten the heir to the Hyuga clan pregnant and Naruto pregnant." Shouted the ever youthful Gai.

"Isn't the nine tails a guy, yeah ?" said a confused Deidara, wearing a hopeful look on his face.

"Wow, when they say Uchiha's are special their not fucking kidding." Exclaimed an impressed Kisame.

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Sorry about the long wait but my computer broke. Review please

True Raikiri, this is what bad Sasuke's going to call his sword Chidori combo techniques.

The Mangekyo Sharingan can produce fire hotter then the sun so the idea of Mangekyo style is to replace the normal fire with Amaterasu flames.

(3)The Beatles had a song called 'all you need is love'. Itachi's ripping it off.

R&R


	11. The  quest  to  save  Garaa  and  Neji ,

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 11 ; The quest to save Garaa and Neji , Uchihan prostitution.

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The wind blew through the wood's just outside of Konoha. It was in these wood's that the infamous Uchiha brothers where walking.

"Remind me Sasuke, why are we risking our asses to save the sandman and fate happy Hyuga from _**them**_ ?" asked an annoyed Itachi.

"You don't remember, The Hokage had just called us to her office….."

( flashback )

"Okay, first things first, both of you take off your shirt's." said Tsunade with a hungry look in her eyes.

"Are you kidding ?" asked a bewilderd Itachi.

"She's been ridiculously horny since getting pregnant." Stated a shirtless Kakashi from his place tied in the corner.

"Quiet you, now off with those shirts, and flex your muscles, ya and do some push ups, you to bitch(Kakashi)" said Tsunade while licking her lips.

5 minutes later;

"Now my bitches, your mission is to rescue Neji Hyuga and Garaa of the sand from the fan girls." Calmly stated Tsunade.

Sharingan activated at the word Fan girl, their blood went cold and their faces paled.

"Oh, and Sasuke, Jiraiya sent a thank you for doing it in-front of his camera in Naruto's apartment. I think he joined your fan club."

( end flashback )

"…plus Hinata might cry if her cousin is raped to death, and Temari would be pissed at you." Finished Sasuke

"I fail to see the problem ?" said Itachi, he preferred her angry.

"Well, we'd probably end up sleeping on the couch." Sasuke stated slowly.

"No !" was Itachi's initial reply, promptly followed by "No no no no no !" all in a horrified voice.

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"Uchiha prostitution !" was what was written on the sign's held up by the fearsome S-class criminals Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha.

" Come one, come all rent yourself a Uchiha hoar, talented enough to get a man pregnant." This came from Deidara, dressed in another of his weird costumes.

Recently the Akatsuki have been low on funding, so this was the Leaders 'clever' plan, the Uchiha's disagreed strongly in the form of Amaterasu and Chidori.

"You guys could at least smile for the nice perverts." Said Kisame trying to hid his laughter.

"I got an idea lets sell sushi !"

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"So this is the village of Sound. It's fuckin' ugly !" stated Itachi.

"Well what were you expecting, Orochimaru was the leader of this place, and now the fan girls are using it as a base. I'm just happy there's not yaoi tacked on all the walls." Said Sasuke shuddering at what Orochimaru, never mind the fan girls, was into.

"Aren't you doin' Naruto ?" good ol' Itachi, makes small talk in enemy bases.

"His girl form, so anyone try to maim you yet for 'raping there sweet innocent daughter, sister, cousin, ect ?" Asked Sasuke.

"Only a few, though I'm probably going to rescue the biggest treat to my life right now. So what about you, the Hyuga's not Kill you yet ?" asked a curious Itachi.

"That's actually a funny story…

( flash-back )

"Hyuga ! I need to talk to you." Stated Sasuke after braking into the Hyuga compound.

" Sasuke Uchiha, in my house, OMG !" giving off a girly screech.

"Uh, ya, I've taken your daughters virginity and am marrying her." Sasuke was expecting him to be more angry.

"My daughter ?" here we go. "I'm so proud !" or maybe not.

"I'm also marrying the nine-tails vessel, so is she actually, a sort of threesome wedding, Very against tradition." Sasuke didn't no why he was tempting fate.

"Can I have an autograph ?" asked the giggling Hyuga leader.

( end flash-back )

"So he's a fan boy !" said the laughing Itachi.

"Oh, your back Sasuke ?" asked a white haired man, smiling toothily. Suddenly he pulled a fan girl from behind his back.

"I got a life like ya told me to ! It's Suigetsu, remember ?" asked the grinning idiot.

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It was a slow day for Uchiha prostitution, apparently in front of a day-care centre for 5 year olds wasn't the best place for business. The only sale they had made so for was to Kakashi.

"Kakashi ! What are you doing here." Asked a bewilderd Sasuke.

"Well, I'm throwing Gai a party, Can either of you strip ? And how much for some Uchiha blood ?" asked Kakashi calmly.

"Why do you want our blood ?" even Itachi was getting creeped out.

"Well it might make my Sharingan less draining." Stated Kakashi.

"How much ya willing to pay ?" asked Deidara. Itachi knew he'd regret not killing him.

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"Hey Sasuke, I went and got fucked like you told me to, it didn't make me happy like you said it would , can I see your penis now ?" Tsunade, the ever brilliant tactician, had figured Sasuke would need another artist to counter Deidara.

"Psst little brother, we could use them as human shields, Come On smiley, your joining our group." Whispered then shouted Itachi, draping his arm over Suigetsu's shoulder.

"It's Suigetsu." Said the water man.

"Yea, I'm gonna call ya Smiley." Stated Itachi.

"Come on, lets follow them penis boy." Said the younger Uchiha.

"Will it give me emotions and show me your penis ?" Sasuke twitched at the question.

"Depends, if there normal fan girls then worst case scenario is we have an orgy." Said Sasuke.

"Will that make me happy." Asked the still smiling Sai.

"Very, but if it's yaoi fan girls you might get to do more than see my penis." Said the shivering Sasuke.

"That sounds fun Sasuke" Sasuke gave him a weird look, was he stupid to.

"We found you Sasuke !" How he didn't notice the fan girls surrounding them until now was beyond him.

"Well, fuck !"

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"Hey there's the prisoners and we still haven't ran into a fan girl yet !" said the relieved Itachi.

"I heard them shouting about Sasuke and Sai talking about having an orgy and showing there penises at the front gate." Replied the still grinning Suigetsu.

"Well then smiley, we'll use the back door, you carry those two."

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Right, next time bad Sasuke's a striper, bad Itachi brings Kisame fishing, Good Sasuke and Sai escape, or try anyway, the fan girl lair and Itachi and Suigetsu plan a triple wedding with 5 brides.

So what ya think, I've given the good characters partners to combat their evil counter parts partners. Got any comments, then review, actually review anyway.

R&R


	12. Escaping,  pimping,  stripping  and  fis

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

'Naruto' thinking

_Naruto_ the voice in Sasuke's head talking

Chapter 12 ; Escaping, pimping, stripping and fishing.

A steady dripping could be heard somewhere in the distance, just as he was coming back to the land of the living Sasuke heard.

"Wow, Sasuke's a big boy !" urge to kill Sai rising.

"Where the fuck am I !" asked Sasuke, from what he could see he was tied to a chair naked.

_The fan girls caught you again, you kind of suck_

'You shut up, its not like you helped, stupid fuckin' voice' responded Sasuke tuning out Sai commenting about him being bigger than Naruto, but that not being hard, in favour of arguing with the voice in his head.

"How come you don't insult me ?" asked Sasuke, the voice having pointed it out.

"Oh, I have a fetish for dark haired men !" Said the smiling Sai.

_Okay, after we escape we're getting the locks checked._

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"So Itachi, what do we have to get for the wedding thingy ?" asked Suigetsu as they strolled down the main street of Konoha. Tsunade hadn't noticed Itachi bring back an S-class missing ninja and forget Sasuke.

Though she did tell them that Kakashi had seen Gai getting beat up my Anko, muttered something about making a better world for his child and was now running around the village calling himself Sharingan-Man.

They had seen him a few times jumping from building to building in Red spandex with a Sharingan wheel on the chest, saving kittens from evil trees or beating the almighty shit out of an eight year old who had been bullying a seven year old.

"Lets see Smiley, booze, strippers, a will in case I anger one of the women, po-" recited Itachi from his list until he was cut off.

"What kind of wedding are you planning ?" asked 'Smiley'.

"We're planning the Bachelor parties Smiley, the wedding's the women's job." Said Itachi, amazed he had to explain.

"What if they made you where pink or something ?" Asked Suigetsu causing Itachi to stop and look at his reflection in a shop mirror.

"I'd still look like sex-on-legs !" stated Itachi, checking himself out.

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( Akatsuki )

It had been Sasuke's first time to see it. That time of month for Itachi, yep you guessed it.

It was the time of month when Itachi ran out of shampoo.

The door was blown off it's hinges as Itachi stormed in, a towel haphazardly tied around his waist, beads of water dripping and slipping down his firm chest to the few pubic hairs showing over his towel, some steam rising off his body from the katon he'd just used.

"I'm out of Shampoo !" came out as a cross between a growl and shout.

"No your not, I got some yesterday." Claimed Deidara.

"Show me !" Itachi obviously wasn't thinking right now.

"Wait Itachi-" Sasuke was thinking but was cut off.

"Shut up little brother, this concerns shampoo, lead the way Blonde Devil." Roared Itachi. Kisame giggled, and then Sasuke knew, this had happened before.

A couple of minutes later Sasuke heard,

"Now, where ?" then

"Wait what are you doing ?" and then

"DEAR SWEET HATE, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME !" then silence.

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( Konoha's )

Sasuke had just managed to gnaw through his bindings when Sai stood up casually from his chair, the one he was supposed to be tied to and asked,

"We going now ?" while completely naked with his hands on his hips. Urge to kill Sai skyrocketing.

_We could hypnotise him into __changing into you then give him to Sakura, I hear she's a dominatrix now._

'Brilliant ! um.. voicey' Uchiha's where bad with names.

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Itachi and Suigetsu had both made wills and gotten a lot of alcohol, but still had yet to find any strippers, and Itachi had found asking random hot women to strip for him wasn't very healthy.

That's when the recently rescued Neji showed up with the proclamation that,

"Haishi has sent me to" he gave a loud shudder "give Sasuke the night of his life."

Itachi looked him up and down and asked "Can you learn the Sexy Jutsu before next Friday ?" quite calmly.

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( Akatsuki's )

Kisame had just began his Akatsuki swordsmen meeting, A.k.a. crazy rambling, when Itachi came in to tell him the news.

"Fishy man, where going fishing !" while turning the room upside down searching for his Akatsuki cloak, Deidara had stolen it again.

"What, why ?" asked a slightly scared Kisame.

"To catch the six tails, it lives in a lake. By the way Kisame, which do you prefer ham or chicken ?" asked Itachi casually kicking over a couch to look beneath it.

"Why ?" Kisame was still a little out of it from hearing the F-word.

"For bait !"

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Deidara and Sasuke were at Kakashi's apartment for the party that day, which was quite interesting Sasuke had given the copy-nin a strip tease because he had been teasing the Uchiha.

But that was before the fan girls crashed the party.

It was about mid afternoon while Itachi and Suigetsu where teaching Neji the 'art' of striping when the fan girls arrived.

The fan girls had been quite busy by now, they had Sasuke and Sai running from them nude, Deidara and Sasuke running from them in leather pants, Akatsuki cloaks with the front open and wearing bow ties and the infamous Kakashi Hatake on the run.

And that's he story of how eight powerful shinobi ran like little girls, from little girls.

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Eh I don't think this chapter turned out to well. Anyhow I'm making it my goal to get 15 reviews, so please review.

R&R


	13. Sharingan tales

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

'Naruto' thinking

_Naruto_ the voice in Sasuke's head talking

Chapter 13 ; Sharingan tales

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( Akatsuki )

Kisame sat watching as Deidara, dressed as Santa, carried Sasuke, bound, gagged and wearing a red mini dress that barely covered his ass, over his shoulder out of the room hohoing every step of the way.

Itachi however jumped to his feet to save his brothers innocence, Deidara however confused this and asked Itachi.

"Do you want to join in ?" this was rewarded with hand seals, fire and Mangekyo Sharingan.

"Ah tis' the season to be, AHH, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE TROWING THOSE THINGS YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH." Screamed Kisame.

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( Konoha )

"My dear sweet beautiful love, please stop." This is what Sasuke said as he tried to dodge the numerous plates, spoons, ect, thrown at him my his hormonal love.

"You got the wrong flavour ramen." Screamed Naruto hurling a chair at the Uchiha.

"No I didn't, I got you to write a list." Said Sasuke, the proud Uchiha now hiding behind a couch.

"You should be able to tell when I change my mind through our love, unless, your cheating, who is she ?" wailed the hormonal Naruto, who listens far to much to Rock Lee.

That's when Sasuke saw Hinata enter the room, maybe she could help.

"Sasuke, I can't believe you didn't notice I painted my toe nails." Said Hinata in a icy cold voice.

"Sweety-kins your, kinda wearing shoes." Said a now terrified Sasuke.

"That's no fucking excuse !" and with that she began throwing the Uchiha's beloved ornaments at him.

That's when the previously fearless Uchiha, quite calmly and with as much pride as possible, made a running dive to and then through his window, ten floors up.

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( Akatsuki )

"What are those Deidara ?" asked Kisame pointing to the Itachi and Sasuke shaped parcels under the tree, the ones with big 'to Deidara from Santa' signs on them

"Sex Slaves." Said Deidara calmly, causing the presents to struggle violently.

"Evil as I may be, I can't let you do that." Said Kisame for the first time in his life showing his noble side.

"I'm making cookies !" called Deidara.

"Cookies ?" With that Kisame's noble side quickly shut up.

Not long after he had left the room two naked Uchiha's tore themselves from there prisons.

"Itachi what are we going to do ?" asked Sasuke.

"Well, since where banned from all the strip clubs in town I say we steal some alcohol and hid in the mountains, after we've drunk ourselves brave we'll return and burn down that accursed tree." Said Itachi, accompanied by various hand gestures.

"That's stupid !" stated Sasuke.

"Oh sex slaves." Came the sound of Deidara's voice.

"Let's go find a nice cave." Said Sasuke making his way to the window.

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( Konoha )

Itachi was having an interest day, this morning Temari had dumped his bowl of cereal over his head because he had left the toilet seat up.

Around midday Itachi had remarked to Ino that her pregnancy was starting to show, she then tried to shove a rolling pin up his ass.

So it wasn't surprising that when both women glared at him for sneezing Itachi made a stand.

And by make a stand I mean hurled himself out his apartment window, he was luckier than Sasuke though, his apartment was only on the ninth floor.

Even luckier still someone broke his fall, that someone was the infamous Kakashi Hatake.

"Kakashi, I called for you yesterday, Tsunade said you couldn't come out and play." Seethed Itachi angrily.

"Yea, I only managed to escape her sex dungeon today." Explained Kakashi shivering at the memory.

"Why would you do that ? I've been sleeping on the couch all week." Asked the bewilderd Itachi.

"You don't want to know my friend, you really really don't want to know, anyway where's Sasuke, I figured we could go hide in the mountains." Stated Kakashi, his voice going from a blood stopping whisper to a cheery tone.

Itachi checked his watch and held out his arms out, "5…4…3…2..1…" and with that Sasuke landed in his outstretched arms.

"How often do you two do this ?" asked the impressed copy ninja.

-

It had been twenty minutes after Sasuke, Itachi and Kakashi had found a nice cave to hide in that the other Itachi and Sasuke wandered into the same cave.

The change in mood was instant and 9 Sharingan eyes glared at each other and if looks could kill, well actually in this case looks could kill.

The silence was broken when the group heard some shouting.

"Kakashi you pirate wannabe get back to Konoha now." That was Tsunade.

"Sasuke, we're out of Ramen." Naruto.

"Itachi, you nail painting bitch get out here." Temari.

These shouts lead to the Konoha ninja huddling together and clinging to each other in fear. The Akatsuki ninja were going to laugh at them until they heard some more shouting.

"Sasu-kins, Ita-kins where are you ?" called Deidara, needless to say they joined the group hug.

-

After the shouting had died down the ninja had struck a truce and where now doing there level best to get plastered.

The silence was finally broken by Kakashi.

"I just got the new Ichi ichi book ; Sharingan tales, its about us." Said Kakashi holding up said book.

"Oh, oh, let me see ?" Good Itachi obviously had one to many.

"Oh here's a good story." Announced Itachi giggling as he began reading.

"It was two weeks till the chunin exam finals and the famous Sharingan Kakashi was 'training' with his favourite pupil.

"Mmmhh Kakashi sensei." Sasuke moaned pushing himself against his teachers experienced hands.

"I love it when you call me that." He whispered, blowing into the boys ear."

The book was abruptly snapped from Itachi's hand's, Itachi continued reading his hand for several minutes before he noticed the book was missing, he had wrote a shopping on there earlier, well that is if you consider the word porn written 50 or so times a shopping list.

"I've found a better one." Stated the Konoha Sasuke as he began reading.

"Itachi stared down at the fallen body of his good counterpart in distain.

"It's just not right there being a me with no evil in him, but lucky for you I know a fun way to put something evil in you." Itachi whispered into his counterparts ear as he removed his clothes."

The book was quickly swiped by bad Itachi who, after some quick death threats, began another story.

"It had been years since Kakashi had seen his young lover, Sasuke had been away training with his brother, and now the copy ninja was leaning back into an embrace from the young man.

"Kakashi sensei, you still taste as sweet as ever." Said Sasuke nibbling on the older and now slightly shorter mans ear.

"Oh Sasuke." Moaned Kakashi feeling his students arousal brush against his backside.

"I think it's time the student became the master." Purred Sasuke running a hand up Kakashi's chest to unzip the jonins vast.

"And I'm gonna make you moan like a B-grade porn star !" growl Sasuke pushing Kakashi onto the bed and straddling his hips."

The book was stolen by bad Sasuke but it was Kakashi who complained.

"What, Sasuke doesn't top me, he never does !" ranted the angry Kakashi.

"Kakashi, just how many of these do you read ?" before the blushing Kakashi could answer Sasuke began another tale.

"Kakashi knew it was over for him now, Itachi had caught him in his Mangekyo Sharingan, however he was caught off guard by Itachi removing his mask.

"Such a pretty face, why hide it ?" asked Itachi caressing a cheek. As Kakashi opened his mouth to answer Itachi took the opportunity to kiss the copy nin hard and ram his tongue down the mans throat.

"Maybe your afraid naughty men like me will ravish your pretty little mouth, among other things." Itachi whispered in his ear, a hand running down to the waistband of the copy ninjas pants.

"Ready for 72 hours of wild animalistic sex my sweet Kaka-kins ?" purred Itachi reaching into Kakashi's pants to grab his-"

The book was taken by a scarlet faced Kakashi.

"What is this, fuck Kakashi night ?" asked the copy ninja.

A plastered Itachi threw his arm over Kakashi's shoulder.

"Anysing yous say hun, Can'ts say no's to such a pwetty face." Slurred the drunk Uchiha, making everyone but Kakashi and himself brake into peels of laughter.

"Lets go hurt Jiraiya."

-

Okay, I think this is my longest chapter yet, anyway tell me what you think of the Sharingan tales, I'm not really into that stuff so they were quite difficult to write.

R&R


	14. Tattoos

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

'Naruto' thinking

_Naruto_ the voice in Sasuke's head talking

Chapter 14 ; Tattoos

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( Hokage's office )

"So which one of you is going to tell me what the fuck you were thinking ?" roared Tsunade.

"Well, you se-" began Kakashi.

"No, not you, your still in the bold corner !" yelled Tsunade, pointing towards a corner in the office.

"But-" Kakashi was cut off again.

"No buts, back in your corner." Itachi watched this all with a raised eyebrow.

"What in _my_ name are you talking about ?" asked Itachi.

"The bonding trip you three took with the Akatsuki." Bellowed Tsunade, slamming her fist on the desk.

"We what now ?" asked the bewilderd Itachi.

Tsunade didn't answer verbally, instead she threw an envelope to Itachi, an envelope with pictures in it.

( Picture 1 )

The two Itachi's are smiling at the camera, while Jiraiya hangs over a fire in the back ground.

"We didn't eat him, did we ?" asked Itachi, looking slightly green.

"No, but Jiraiya still needed therapy." Said Tsunade with a glare.

( Picture 2 )

This picture had both Sasuke's and Kakashi in it, they where at the beach and the Sasuke's seemed to be burying Kakashi.

"How did five drunken, infamous ninja manage to get to the beach, the closest one is 50 miles about 5 enemy borders away ?" asked Sasuke this time.

"Well, if you looked at the reports in today's paper about violent attacks at those borders you'd understand." Replied Tsunade.

( Picture 3 )

This showed all five Sharingan users at a tattoo parlour, one of the Itachi's was in the chair.

The prodigies were quick to strip off there shirts and check for a new tattoo.

"Uchiha fan." Stated Sasuke.

"Ichi-ichi paradise." said Kakashi.

"Some angry looking blonde women." Said Itachi.

"Hey that's me, and your fiancés, you Bastard !" roared Tsunade.

The three Sharingan users quickly compared the woman on Itachi's chest to the seething woman before them.

"So it is." Agreed the Sharingan users.

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( Akatsuki )

The first rays of light shined into the Akatsuki's base as a groggy Sasuke Uchiha asked a hung over Itachi Uchiha.

"Why is there a tattoo of a kitten on my chest." Itachi looked at his brothers chest before checking his own. Which happened to be himself dressed up as a king, it also read 'Long live King Itachi.'

"Maybe they're cursed seals." Suggested Sasuke.

"And what would they do ? Transform you into a kitten and me into a king." Asked Itachi, before thinking it over.

Deidara and Kisame entered the room as Itachi got a crazed look in his eye.

"We must master these new abilities little brother." Shouted Itachi before breaking into peels of maniacal laughter, about that time Kisame spotted Sasuke's tattoo.

"Haha, Sasuke's a pussy." Said Kisame, laughing hard enough to cry.

"That's so cute, little kitty cat Sasuke." Swooned Deidara.

Nobody noticed Itachi's eyes widen dramatically at Kisame's words, or the subsequent twitching that occurred.

"Sasuke, after all the manliness lessons I gave you, you do this, we MUST fix this, to the tattoo parlour." Shouted the still twitching Itachi dragging Sasuke with him.

"Ohh, wait for me !" called Deidara following, this was a great chance to perv on the two still topless Uchiha.

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( Konoha )

All the Uchiha's, as well as Kakashi bumped into each other, Konoha Itachi recovered first.

"What happened in the cave, Jiraiya's home, the wave, grass, sand, and sound borders, the beach, the strip club and what I'm told was a dog kennel, stays there, no never mind that, it didn't even fuckin' happen, got it ?" threatened Itachi.

"Don't remember the tattoo parlour either." Added the other Itachi.

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Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been ridiculously busy, any sorry its short, bye.

R&R


	15. Breaking the Law

Thx for the review's

Disclaimer ; Nope, I don't own Naruto.

'Naruto' thinking

_Naruto_ the voice in Sasuke's head talking

Chapter 15 ;

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( Konoha )

"Hatake Kakashi, how do you plead for the crime of buying the wrong drink for your fiancé ?" asked Tsunade from her position at the top of the court room.

"My client pleads Not Guilty !" a strong wise voice stated from the back of the court room as the heavy double doors closed behind the man with a resounding bang.

"What ?" asked the confused Tsunade, she thought she had threatened all the lawyers in Konoha. The dark haired man walked to the bound and gagged Kakashi's side, cutting the man free and raising his head to look Tsunade in the eyes.

"Uchiha Itachi for Decapitation !" stated the man fiercely.

"Psst, its 'Defence' Itachi." Whispered Kakashi.

"De-fen-ce, what's that ?" asked Itachi with a blank look on his face before looking to the Kunai in his hand.

"I figured I'd just, you know ?"

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( Unknown )

"Are we comfy Mr Uchiha ?" asked a husky voice to the man currently bound and gagged on a chair in the dark room. The only response was a few muffled curses.

"That's good, its time to call that smexy brother of yours." Called the voice as it raised a phone to its ear.

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( Konoha )

"So, you're saying a case isn't won by Decapitating the judge ?" asked Itachi slowly to the Kakashi, whom looked like he was going to throw up.

"Yes Itachi." Said a somewhat relieved Kakashi.

"Should I disembowel her then ?" asked Itachi, causing Kakashi to smack his forehead.

"Mr. Uchiha, would you like to make an opening statement ?" asked Tsunade annoyed at the two geniuses whispering.

"Maybe !" exclaimed Itachi with a bold dominating voice.

"Okay, the- wait, did you just say maybe ?" asked the baffled Tsunade.

"Yes I did, your honour." Stated Itachi proudly.

"Mr. Uchiha, your not a Lawyer, are you ?" asked Tsunade with a twitch.

"Your not as sober as a judge your honour, are you ?" returned Itachi raising an eyebrow.

"Touché Mr. Uchiha." Seethed the busty woman.

"Now, for my statement." Announced Itachi, after Kakashi whispered into his ear.

"He didn't do it !" Itachi growled as he gave the jury a Sharingan empowered glare.

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( Akatsuki HQ )

Ring. Ring.

"What the fuck do you want ?" asked the previously sleeping man from where he had passed out on the floor the night before.

"Mr. Uchiha ?" came a lazy husky voice.

"Huh, Uncle Joey, I could of sworn you where dead. I remember being there, katana in hand, laughing to myself insanely, taking a piss on a Uchiha monument and-" The man cut him from his rambling.

"No, I'm not your Uncle Mr. Uchiha, But I am currently in the presence of your brother." Explained the now agitated voice.

"Regular or extra evil ?" Asked the Uchiha looking for signs of a struggle.

"Extra evil !" Responded the voice.

"Oh, shit !" Itachi pulled the phone to his chest and shouted for 'Sharky man', when no reply came he noticed the sticky note on his chest.

**Gone Swimming, Kisame**

"Fuck, Let me talk to my brother Uncle Joey." Commanded Itachi raising the phone to his ear again. There was a shuffling sound.

"Itachi ? Help ! I'm in," the voice was cut off.

"Foolish Brother ! Hang on, with the help of hatred I'll save you !" shouted Itachi at his phone.

"Now, now, Let's not get ahead of our selves." Reasoned the Husky voice hanging up.

"Uncle Joey, you bastard ! Don't touch my brother !Foolish father told me all about what your in to." Threatened Itachi as he looked for Deidara, he'd need help, that's when he noticed the note on his 'hip'.

**Gone Seducing, Deidara**

"Fucking Blonde haired Devil watches me sleep and in the shower everyday for an odd few years and picks TODAY to break the habit ?" asked the pissed Uchiha before dialling a number and raising the phone to his ear.

"I need your help."

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( Konoha Court )

"I call my first witness, Sakura Haruno to the sit !" announced Itachi.

"That's stand." Stated Kakashi.

"Quiet you ! Now, Ms. Haruno who is the greatest sex in the world ?" asked Itachi arrogantly.

"Sasuke." Answered the pink haired girl.

"I'll remind you that I personify the term 'if looks could kill'." Said Itachi with an angry glare.

"My mistake, you are the best sex ever." Rushed the girl.

"No further questions." Said Itachi returning to his seat, Kakashi smacked his forehead.

"Now then, Ms. Haruno, In all the years you've know Mr. Hatake, would you say he's an absent minded person ?" asked Tsunade smugly.

"Yes, he's always late for training, that's if he shows up at all, and even when he did he only trained with Sasuke, and he's constantly getting my name wrong and just last week he asked me who I was at trainin-" the fuming girl was interrupted by Itachi.

"Obesity !" shouted Itachi, causing Kakashi to sigh and smack his head again.

"What is it now ?" asked a pissed Tsunade.

"My client was drunk all those times." Asked Itachi.

"First of all, how do you know he was drunk and secondly how does him being drunk help your case ?" asked the confused Tsunade.

"Easy, I got him drunk ! And just last week you passed a law stating that no one is to be judged on drunken behaviour." Stated Itachi, quickly hiding is copy of 'Law for Dummies' behind his back.

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( Konoha )

Ring. Ring.

Sasuke answered his ringing cell phone and excused himself from his lunch date with his Fiancés.

"Uchiha Sasuke, Ninja for hire." Sasuke said the well rehearsed line, recently one of his wives had an argument with Tsunade and it led to the loss of his job.

"I need your help." Came a desperate voice.

"To the Sasuke mobile !"

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Haha, I'm back baby. I've had no fucking free time for a while now because I increased my training hours, tripled them actually, so I apologise for the delay.

Yours truly, Sasuke's darkside

R&R


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